In my work as a sex therapist, I often hear a surprising concern from men:
“I struggle to get or keep my erection with my wife, but when I’m with someone else, I perform like a rock star.”
This issue is more common than many people realize, and it can cause deep pain in marriages. Some men begin to wonder if they’re no longer attracted to their wives. Others start to avoid sex altogether because they feel anxious about their performance.
But here’s the truth: in many cases, it’s not about attraction at all. The real culprit is often performance anxiety. Once a man experiences erection difficulties once or twice with his wife, the fear of it happening again can take over. Anxiety and arousal cannot exist in the body at the same time.
So, instead of getting turned on, the brain reacts as if it’s under threat, redirecting blood flow away from the penis.
The result? Erections fail at home, but because the anxiety isn’t present with someone else, erections return outside the marriage. This can be misinterpreted as “I’m not attracted to my wife,” when in reality, it’s the brain’s anxious response at play.
In episode 3 of my podcast, Love Notes with O.E, I break this down in detail, explaining:
Why anxiety affects erections.
How men can stop the cycle of avoidance.
Practical ways to reduce performance pressure and rediscover pleasure with their partners.
🎧 Listen to the full episode here: I can’t get it up with my wife
And if this struggle sounds familiar to you (or to someone you love), you don’t have to go through it alone. I’ve helped many men overcome performance anxiety and restore intimacy in their marriages.
Book a private session with me today and let’s work through it together: www.olawunmiesan.com/my services
If you know someone who might benefit from this, share it with them – you never know whose marriage it might help.
Olawunmiesan is one of Africa’s renowned sex therapists who helps individuals and couples improve intimacy and enjoy sexual pleasure, connection, and fulfillment.
To learn more about her works, visit: www.olawunmiesan.com