I was speaking at a couples’ retreat and a couple asked me this question, ‘Do you think couples should learn about sex from porn?’
I get this question often and the argument usually is, where else can couples learn about sex in such detail?
So here’s my take.
I don’t think porn is a good teacher for couples.
First of all, porn is not representative of what sexual intimacy should look like.
Porn is performative – a fleshfest, if you will. What we see is a production, not necessarily a reflection of what sex actually looks or feels like between two people in an intimate relationship.
I remember watching a documentary about a porn star. In one of the scenes, the lady on set looked like she was enjoying the sex on camera, but as soon as they cut, she started crying and said the man was being too rough.
She was comforted and then encouraged to go back and perform.
That’s the part we don’t see. We see the performance, but not what happens behind the scenes.
We don’t see the cuts, the stops, the retakes, the direction, or everything that goes into producing the final product.
And when you don’t understand that, it’s easy to mistake porn for what sex is actually supposed to look like.
Secondly, porn can create unrealistic expectations of your partner.
You may start expecting your husband or wife to perform like the people you’ve seen on screen.
For example, a man sees a woman squirting in porn and thinks, “My wife should also squirt if she truly is enjoying the experience.”
Porn doesn’t account for individuality.
What works for one person may not work for another. And what you see someone doing in porn doesn’t necessarily tell you what will feel good for your spouse.
Thirdly, porn can be highly addictive.
This might be the most important reason.
If you’ve ever seen what addiction can do to a person’s mind, relationships and life, you understand why I don’t encourage anyone to venture into something that has the potential to become addictive.
If your chosen medium to enhance intimacy becomes the very thing that damages intimacy, then what’s the point?
When an individual becomes addicted to porn, porn begins to meet sexual needs that should be part of their intimate relationship.
Finally, in my opinion, porn doesn’t teach couples how to learn each other.
So, what is the best way for couples to learn each other?
My answer is simple:
Learn your bodies. Educate yourself about sex. And then apply what you learn to each other, and keep learning.
There are books. There are resources. Learn about sexuality, pleasure, communication and how the body works.
Take that knowledge into your relationship and discover what actually works for you and your spouse.
Ultimately, your spouse is not a porn actor or actress, and your marriage is not a porn set.
And if you are someone who prefers clean resources to learn about sex, my book, Sexcapades, and our courses in the University of Sex are great resources for couples who want to learn more about sex and learn each other better.
