‘I am getting married in 4 months. My fiance and I are yet to have sex as we are Christians. However, I fear that not having sex before marriage may lead to issues of sexual incompatibility in marriage. Is it wise for us to abstain and risk jeopardizing our sexual relations in marriage?’
Many single people have this question at the back of their minds.
Isn’t it foolishness not to verify that both individuals are sexually compatible before diving into marriage?
While your fears are valid, I would like to tell you that there is more to marriage than sex. I do not down play the importance of great sex in marriage but in all honesty, there is more to marriage than having hot, sweaty, blow-your-mind sex.
Firstly, as intending couples, it is crucial that you understand the ‘why’ of sex. Sex is not primarily about satisfying your own desires. Sex is a ‘mutual giving of yourselves’ to your spouse. It is a physical act of renewing your marriage vows by becoming one flesh over and again.
It is a gift of yourself to your spouse. This tells you that in giving this gift, you should not be selfish. You should be very much concerned with the pleasure of your spouse than your pleasure and vice versa.
When sex is given as a selfless gift by both individuals, then satisfaction of each person becomes the ultimate aim of the other.
Do you get my drift? It’s much like a ‘scratch my back, I scratch yours’ scenario but with a selfless approach.
If truly sex is approached in this manner, how then do you think one individual will be left wanting?
The problem? Many people approach sex selfishly. The approach of ‘my satisfaction’ being the goal is what abuses the ‘why’ of sex and leaves one party feeling unsatisfied and used.
Secondly, we erroneously assume that once sexual compatibility is verified, then marital bliss is assured.
Just so you don’t think that I am speaking from inexperience or from an idyllic place of never having known these things, I need to tell you that in my sinful past, I was engaged in premarital sex.
If you have ever been engaged in premarital sex at some point in your life, ask yourself…. Did you end up with that individual?
Was sex the determining factor of you staying or not staying with that person? Or where other aspects of the relationship the ‘make or break’ factors?
However, because marriage is a life commitment, many people tend to want everything perfect before going into it.
Sorry to burst your bubble. It can’t all be perfect. Marriage in itself is an ‘institution’, where you learn how to make things work.
This is not to say you should settle for less. No, this is to say focus on the other factors such as character, personal values…that can have either a positive or negative effect on your sex life in marriage.
Sex in itself is an offshoot of other aspects of your marriage. If friendship and communication with your spouse is great, more often than not, sex will be fine.
If this isn’t convincing enough for you, ask yourself
‘Will I enjoy marriage with an abusive husband who is a skilled lover?’
‘Will I enjoy a marriage where we are constantly fighting, just because my partner is skilled in the bedroom?’
Get the foundation right and sexual bliss will follow.
I will also like to tell you that sex DOES GET BETTER in marriage.
Back in my sinful past, when I was engaged in premarital sex, I honestly thought I was good at it and that I knew all there was to know about sex.
Color me wrong.
On getting married, I found that I merely scratched the surface. Things I thought I knew began to take on a new light and actually got better!!
One of the perks of being married is that there is more freedom to explore your and your partner’s sexuality and that translates into getting better at sex in ways you never thought possible.
The downsides to premarital sex are numerous. From contracting Sexually Transmitted Diseases, to getting pregnant, to losing your self-esteem, the risks associated with premarital sex far outweigh the benefits of a few minutes of pleasure.
So you decide…..is Sex before marriage foolishness or wisdom?
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