This is one of the most common concerns I hear from couples when they try to communicate their needs. What if my partner doesn’t listen?
A few weeks ago, I had the conversation below with a private client:
She: “I’ve tried everything,” she said, visibly frustrated during our session. “I’ve told my husband how I feel about our lack of connection, but it’s like talking to a wall. He just doesn’t get it!”
I paused to let her words settle. “I understand how frustrating that must feel,” I said. “But let’s take a step back. Sometimes, it’s not just what we say but how and when we say it that matters.”
Her concern is not uncommon and is completely valid. A good number of my clients complain about feeling unheard in their relationships, especially when it comes to sex. It’s painful to feel like your needs and feelings aren’t acknowledged, and it’s easy to feel stuck or start resenting your partner.
But here’s the good news: with the right approach, you can create a space where your partner listens and engages—without it becoming an argument or a blame game. Let me share what worked for this particular client—and what could work for you too.
1. Reflect on Your Approach
The first thing I asked her was, “When do you usually bring this up?” She admitted that she often vented her frustrations when she was already upset or when her husband was busy. This is a common mistake and can shut down even the most well-meaning partner.
Timing is crucial. I suggested she try finding a moment when they were both calm, relaxed, and undistracted. Instead of bringing it up after a long workday or during a heated moment, she could say, “Can we sit down and talk about something important this weekend?” This allows her partner to be mentally prepared, increasing the chances of him listening.
2. Focus on Clarity and Brevity
Next, I asked her how she usually expresses her concerns. She admitted that she often went into long explanations, hoping to make her feelings clearer. However, too many words can overwhelm your partner and make it hard for them to focus.
I encouraged her to simplify her message. Instead of saying, “You never take time to connect with me before intimacy, and it makes me feel like I’m not important to you,” she could say, “I’d feel more connected if we spent more time together before intimacy.”
The difference? One focuses on blame; the other focuses on a solution.
3. Understand Their Objection
Sometimes, when your partner doesn’t listen, it’s not because they don’t care—it might be because they don’t fully understand or feel defensive. I asked, “Have you ever asked your husband why he shuts down during these conversations?” She admitted she hadn’t, assuming he just didn’t want to engage.
This step is about digging deeper. I encouraged her to approach the conversation with curiosity instead of frustration. For example, she could say:
“I’ve noticed it’s hard for us to talk about our sex life. Can you help me understand what you’re feeling when I bring it up?”
Sometimes, objections are rooted in fear, guilt, or even misunderstandings about your intentions. By creating a safe space for them to share their perspective, you might uncover insights that help move the conversation forward.
4. Set Boundaries and Be Consistent
What happens if your partner still doesn’t listen? It’s okay to set boundaries when you feel unheard. This does not mean issuing ultimatums but rather, gently reinforcing your desires.
For example, saying, “I’ve shared how important this is to me, and I hope we can work on it together. Can we schedule a time to talk again if you need more time to think about it?” could be helpful.
The key is consistency. Sometimes, change takes time. By calmly but firmly revisiting the conversation shows that this isn’t something to be brushed aside.
Armed with this new approach, my client went home and tried it. She focused on timing, clarity, and collaboration. In our next session, she shared with a smile, “He actually listened! It wasn’t perfect, but it was the first time I felt like we were on the same page.”
Struggling with Communication Too?
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Download our Bedroom Communication Toolkit for more practical strategies to get your partner to listen and engage meaningfully.